Who Am I Again?

The last week has been full of new discoveries and finding more about myself than I ever thought I could. I did go to the San Francisco Writer's Conference, and I received so much information about the industry as well as building a platform and all in all, just being around writers, agents and editors was truly amazing.

So, what now? I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start, and I have so much information to help me. That's encouraging, so I'm on a high about that. After everything I learned, I am also changing my genre. No longer a memoir it will be. I really wanted to write from the heart, but along the way, I could be exposing people or situations where I could hurt some people and also get myself into some serious trouble. I'm just not that type of person, and truth be told, I want to tell my story. Instead, I am going to tell it in an interesting way where it now becomes "a novel, based on a true story". At least I figured one thing out that's definite!

Being amongst so many writers and people in the industry was quite an experience. I met lots of people, but there were so many more I could have met. But, I closed up. I probably appeared unapproachable, but I was terrified. I seriously thought that as I got older that I wouldn't worry as much about what people thought of me. It will probably take ten more years for that. Like I have heard from so many in the past, people view me as this way. It goes something like this:

1. The first time we meet, I might say two words. "Hi, I'm Jenna." Okay, three.
2. The second time we meet, I might say a sentence or two. "Oh, that's cool."
3. People might think I'm just not a nice person based on these first two meetings.
4. But the third time we meet, I will feel much more comfortable and might even say something interesting. "Oh, yeah, I have two girls, too. They are 13 months apart and it is so much easier now than when they were born."
5. By the fourth time, well, you might have to shut me up...

Seriously, I am a classic introvert-extrovert and especially when it comes to meeting new people or being in a foreign situation. And, I was in a situation where I felt so out of my element. By the end, I felt better, but I was so incredibly exhausted. I also wasn't exactly where I wanted to be with my writing going into the conference. It would have been so cool to pitch agents, but oh my gosh, so scary, too.

When all is said and done, I am so glad that I went. I learned so much, and I am more motivated now than ever to DO THIS THANG!

February 12, 2014

Today, as a mom, I...

Calmed my child down because their backpack was left somewhere yesterday.
Calmed the same child down because they wouldn't have their homework to turn in.
Made alternate arrangements for my children's activities so they can be every where they need to be while I am out of town for a few days.
Dropped the kids off at school.
Was very late to work because I had to wait for the church to open so that I could retrieve the missing backpack.
Was trying to figure out how the valentine's day cards will get done since I won't be here to make sure it really gets done before Friday.
Wondered if one of my children would go on the bars at school like I asked her not to after she ended up in the nurse's office yesterday.
Wondered what my children really think of me. Am I just the family coordinator or much more to them than that?
I wonder that most days, actually.

Today, I also...

Snuck into the office very late. Fortunately, there's not too many people around.
Am having a hard time focusing on work (obviously).
Thought of all the other things I would rather be doing instead of working in an office.
Laughed about office politics, because in the grand scheme of things, who cares?
Seriously thought about putting a trash can on my desk and labeling it as my "inbox".
Thought of a million dollar idea only to Google it and realize I missed the opportunity.
Will need to leave early to help with an after school activity for one of my children, and I'm counting the minutes.
Realized that the walls are closing in and things are getting more difficult to navigate at the office.
Debated quitting.
Wished hard for my happy middle place in all of this. I'm not giving up hope.

Unsettled

There are some things you don't ever really want to talk about.

There are also some things that you don't ever really want to talk about publicly.

But, then, there are also some things where you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to them about or maybe no one has the time to listen or you fear that they don't really care or understand your situation.

I guess this is one of those times.

For those that don't know me, I lost my dad last summer when he lost his battle with mesothelioma. I will never forget our final conversation or our Skype conversation on that last day. Or, how I became so incredibly numb the next morning after finding out that he had passed on. I may have acted unsympathetic, but inside, I was barely hanging on.

It's a fact that I have not deleted one voicemail of his off of my phone, but I have not yet listened to any of them because I fear that it will bring back all of the pain. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that this really happened to him.

The last time I saw him physically, he was doing so well and he told me he would see me again. We never had that opportunity. I can't help but be hard on myself for not making another visit before things took a bad turn. I was in denial, surely. I always thought he would get better and so I pushed it aside. I shouldn't have done that. So many regrets.

Every day I wish I had had more time with him. There is turmoil all around right now, and what I wish for most is that he was here to help mediate things that need help mediating. That was just one of the many things that he did so well. I wish he could see how hard it's been for some of us to lose him. And even though we are trying, things are just not the same. And I'm not sure they ever will be.

There's a lot more I could say here, but this little bit is about all I have emotionally right now...

Gag Me with a Spoon

A couple of days ago, the girls and I were in the car. It was starting to get dark, and as we were crossing an intersection, I saw what looked like a headlight on a bike. As we got closer, I noticed that it wasn't a headlight at all. It was a person on a bike on their phone. He was riding with no hands on the handle bars. Instead, he had his phone in his hands and it looked as if he was texting. Yes, he was absolutely texting while riding his bike. Seriously? Yep.

So, of course, I told the girls what I was seeing with my own eyes, but what happened next surely took me by surprise. The older one, who's nine, said:

"O.M.G.! That's totes cray cray!"

Huh? The little one, who's almost 8, starts giggling. If they could see my face, they would have seen bulged eyes and my mouth trying not to crack the smallest of smiles. That got me thinking...what is this tween language, and why is it spreading like wildfire? My girls are not even yet tweens, yet they are talking like them. Why is it annoying me so much?

Is it so hard to say "totally" instead of "totes"? I guess it's too hard to say two syllables instead of one? Same goes for "cray", or used more often, "cray cray". If you're going to say "cray cray", you might as well say "crazy". It's the same amount of syllables. That's not all. I've also heard "supes" and "I know, right?" too many times to count, and they are also getting on my nerves.

But, then my brother reminded me...twenty plus years ago, I was saying "like", like all the time. And, "Like, gag me with a spoon!" I was not a valley girl and didn't live near the valley, but I did live in Southern California which made it appropriate at the time. If the same scenario that I saw happen with the bike had happened back then (granted, there were no cell phones), that is exactly what I would have said. Don't forget "awesome" and "rad". Okay, I still say awesome, but that's not annoying, right?

Seriously, I get that kids want to feel independent and grown up, but it is all happening too fast for me, and this is just another thing that tests my patience. There's just no way I can say these words (and, uh, try to pretend that I'm cool to them) because:

1. Well, obviously I can't get away with it at my age anymore, and
2. I don't want to! It just sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth.

If there is a dictionary on tween language, I'll definitely buy a copy in the coming years. I admit that I had to Google "totes" after I heard some young people at my workplace say it. So, for now, I guess I have to at least try to keep up with what's coming out of their cray mouths. Awesome.

Transformations

In August of last year, I attempted to make a promise to myself. There were pieces of me that I really wanted to change, and one of those at the top of the list was my attitude toward certain things. And those things were mostly things that were out of my control anyway. With social media everywhere and seemingly unavoidable, it often feels like there is so much "stuff" in your face all of the time. One of the things I truly despise about social media is how it only features one side of a story, or really, one side of a person. Sometimes if I am not in the right frame of mind and I go to one of these places, it almost feels like this place where everyone is perfect, having the perfect life, and with no negativity or downside. It's the perfect world, and it's virtual. It can be....painful. I was often asking myself if anyone I knew ever had a bad day. Well, of course they did, but no one ever seems to advertise it (only once in a blue moon).

I think I may have hit social media rock bottom right around July. One day I went on to Facebook, took a scroll through the newsfeed and broke down over the some silly post that someone wrote about how fantastic they were (or made them sound). "What the fuck?" I remember saying that out loud. "Don't you ever have a bad day?" Then, five minutes later I felt guilty for saying that. Let's just say that pretty much all of 2013 was an emotional year for me regardless of what I was seeing on social media. Maybe I should have just stayed away.

The next month is when I made a promise. I promised myself not to go look at that newsfeed so much (I have abided by this somewhat). I also promised myself that if everything that I saw was positive, and no matter who wrote it, I would think positive (true about 95% of the time). Instead of making a grumpy face or cursing it up, I now just say or think a pleasant, "Isn't that great for them? Way to go!" You know what? It's working. I feel more positive just for something so little like that, and I feel like it is even bringing positive things my way.

More change is coming, too...On Saturday, I will be starting a 5-day cleanse. I'll definitely be reporting on how that goes.

Fear

I'm excited, but terrified.

I have always dreamt of writing a book, and I finally am. As I mentioned before, I am attending a writer's conference next month. That's why I am terrified. It's a journey that I have longed so badly to go on, but at the same time, I am so fearful of failing.

I am only about a third of the way through my book, and I know exactly what I am writing about, have my outline, etc. The fear is that no one cares or will be interested in reading it. Is it going to be something that people will want to read? I have no idea. Is it something where others have had similar experiences? Totally.

I fear about going to the conference and giving my pitch, and then being told that either it's too general or it has been told before (but differently). I don't know. I am writing this first memoir for me because there is a story that I personally want to share. And I want to tell it. Part of me doesn't even care what other people think, but deep down I know that's not true.

I want to be successful. Don't we all?

I know I am going to learn so much at this conference, and I am looking forward to gaining more knowledge. But, I am also more than ready to complete this chapter (no pun intended, I swear!) to find out what happens next.

Fear rant, complete.

Feeling Lost: Day One of the New Year

Sigh...

I was really, really hoping that what I am meant to be doing with my life would come to me magically in a dream, and that I would wake up this morning with a mission and be excited about it. For months, I have been telling the universe to please provide me that information before I fall asleep. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard...and I am so ready to move on and get excited about something new.

The one thing that I am looking forward to this year?? Well, I am so excited to attend the San Francisco Writer's Conference, and I am registered. February cannot come soon enough...so much to plan for, so much to get excited about. This year I would like to publish a book that I have been working on, and that is my dream. It's just not the only thing that I want to do, though.

What won't I be doing this year? Overcommitting myself. I wish I had all the time in the world to do everything I wanted to do, whether that is helping out at the school my girls attend, to saying "yes" every time that I am asked to help with something. I always want to help, and it is going to be hard to say no. It's time to focus. 2014 is the year to publish my book, and also the year where I figure it all out and become happy again.

I'm certainly going to try...