Who Am I Again?

The last week has been full of new discoveries and finding more about myself than I ever thought I could. I did go to the San Francisco Writer's Conference, and I received so much information about the industry as well as building a platform and all in all, just being around writers, agents and editors was truly amazing.

So, what now? I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start, and I have so much information to help me. That's encouraging, so I'm on a high about that. After everything I learned, I am also changing my genre. No longer a memoir it will be. I really wanted to write from the heart, but along the way, I could be exposing people or situations where I could hurt some people and also get myself into some serious trouble. I'm just not that type of person, and truth be told, I want to tell my story. Instead, I am going to tell it in an interesting way where it now becomes "a novel, based on a true story". At least I figured one thing out that's definite!

Being amongst so many writers and people in the industry was quite an experience. I met lots of people, but there were so many more I could have met. But, I closed up. I probably appeared unapproachable, but I was terrified. I seriously thought that as I got older that I wouldn't worry as much about what people thought of me. It will probably take ten more years for that. Like I have heard from so many in the past, people view me as this way. It goes something like this:

1. The first time we meet, I might say two words. "Hi, I'm Jenna." Okay, three.
2. The second time we meet, I might say a sentence or two. "Oh, that's cool."
3. People might think I'm just not a nice person based on these first two meetings.
4. But the third time we meet, I will feel much more comfortable and might even say something interesting. "Oh, yeah, I have two girls, too. They are 13 months apart and it is so much easier now than when they were born."
5. By the fourth time, well, you might have to shut me up...

Seriously, I am a classic introvert-extrovert and especially when it comes to meeting new people or being in a foreign situation. And, I was in a situation where I felt so out of my element. By the end, I felt better, but I was so incredibly exhausted. I also wasn't exactly where I wanted to be with my writing going into the conference. It would have been so cool to pitch agents, but oh my gosh, so scary, too.

When all is said and done, I am so glad that I went. I learned so much, and I am more motivated now than ever to DO THIS THANG!

February 12, 2014

Today, as a mom, I...

Calmed my child down because their backpack was left somewhere yesterday.
Calmed the same child down because they wouldn't have their homework to turn in.
Made alternate arrangements for my children's activities so they can be every where they need to be while I am out of town for a few days.
Dropped the kids off at school.
Was very late to work because I had to wait for the church to open so that I could retrieve the missing backpack.
Was trying to figure out how the valentine's day cards will get done since I won't be here to make sure it really gets done before Friday.
Wondered if one of my children would go on the bars at school like I asked her not to after she ended up in the nurse's office yesterday.
Wondered what my children really think of me. Am I just the family coordinator or much more to them than that?
I wonder that most days, actually.

Today, I also...

Snuck into the office very late. Fortunately, there's not too many people around.
Am having a hard time focusing on work (obviously).
Thought of all the other things I would rather be doing instead of working in an office.
Laughed about office politics, because in the grand scheme of things, who cares?
Seriously thought about putting a trash can on my desk and labeling it as my "inbox".
Thought of a million dollar idea only to Google it and realize I missed the opportunity.
Will need to leave early to help with an after school activity for one of my children, and I'm counting the minutes.
Realized that the walls are closing in and things are getting more difficult to navigate at the office.
Debated quitting.
Wished hard for my happy middle place in all of this. I'm not giving up hope.

Unsettled

There are some things you don't ever really want to talk about.

There are also some things that you don't ever really want to talk about publicly.

But, then, there are also some things where you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to them about or maybe no one has the time to listen or you fear that they don't really care or understand your situation.

I guess this is one of those times.

For those that don't know me, I lost my dad last summer when he lost his battle with mesothelioma. I will never forget our final conversation or our Skype conversation on that last day. Or, how I became so incredibly numb the next morning after finding out that he had passed on. I may have acted unsympathetic, but inside, I was barely hanging on.

It's a fact that I have not deleted one voicemail of his off of my phone, but I have not yet listened to any of them because I fear that it will bring back all of the pain. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that this really happened to him.

The last time I saw him physically, he was doing so well and he told me he would see me again. We never had that opportunity. I can't help but be hard on myself for not making another visit before things took a bad turn. I was in denial, surely. I always thought he would get better and so I pushed it aside. I shouldn't have done that. So many regrets.

Every day I wish I had had more time with him. There is turmoil all around right now, and what I wish for most is that he was here to help mediate things that need help mediating. That was just one of the many things that he did so well. I wish he could see how hard it's been for some of us to lose him. And even though we are trying, things are just not the same. And I'm not sure they ever will be.

There's a lot more I could say here, but this little bit is about all I have emotionally right now...